October TBR

It’s spooky season bitches! This month I’m reading spooky books, as well as a variety of other things! Let’s get into it!

1. My Best Friend’s Exorcism by Grady Hendrix: It’s horror week on Goodreads (add me! goodreads.com/avejam) and I’ve had this book forever so I decided it’s finally time to read it. I love me some 80s themes and I love me some demons, so I’m looking forward to it.

2. This Will Only Hurt A Little by Busy Phillips: Initially I was going to only read horror books in October but then I got the audiobook which is read by Busy so I decided it needed to be moved up on the schedule. I love Busy Phillips so I’m sure I’ll love this book.

3. The Butterfly Garden by Dot Hutchinson: Spooky book #2! I got this book at a thrift store because I had heard of it and I liked the cover. I think it’s about a guy that collects women in a garden? That could be totally wrong though. I don’t know where I got that information so I’ll let you know whether or not that’s correct.

4. Witch Hat Atelier Volume 2 by Kamome Shirahame: I have a new apartment that has a new bathtub and I need a manga to test it out…plus what’s more halloween than witches?

5. Meddling Kids by Edgar Cantero: I’ve had this one as long as I’ve had “My Best Friend’s Exorcism” and it is also spooky themed so I thought this month should be the month!

6. American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis: This one was on my tbr back in May but I never got around to it, so I’m hoping to get to it this month but only if I have extra time.

And that’s the list! I know I said I would post it on Saturday and I didn’t and I also know it’s almost the middle of the month but I am TRYING okay. What are you reading this month?

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September Wrap-Up

It’s finally fall everyone! Which means I am spending all my spare time inside drinking tea and wrapping up my yearly reading challenge! we’re starting October at 38 out of 50 books so without further ado, here’s what I thought of the books I read last month!

1. Where’d You Go, Bernadette? By Maria Semple:

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I’m a little late to the party on this one because everyone else read this book back in 2016, but I wasn’t really reading at that point in life okay!? Anyway, When I went to see “Once Upon A Time In Hollywood…” (great film) a few months back, they showed the trailer (yes, I do show up to movies early for the trailers) for the movie adaptation starring Cate Blanchett and the book was once again placed at the front of my mind. I picked up the audiobook at my local library and finished it within a couple of days. It was good. It was enjoyable and interesting but there was something about Bernadette that bugged me. Even though she is a redeeming character, and finds herself by the end of the book, I am still a huge advocate for the fact that having a mental illness does not mean you can do whatever you want and hurt the people you love, which Bernadette did and received a shockingly large amount of forgiveness on her family’s part. Looking past the character flaws, I really enjoyed the artifact/document compilation style, as well as the narration of her daughter. Overall I gave it 3/5 stars and I do intend to see the movie.

2. The Mermaid Chair By Sue Monk Kidd:

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OH BOY. I don’t even know where to start on this one. It was the last of my summer reads and as far as southern island imagery goes it’s great…but that’s also where any greatness in this book ends. Maybe it was just because I had high expectations from “The Secret Life of Bees,” or maybe it was because I’ve never been married, but I thought all the characters in this book were childish, and selfish. Jesse is a 40 year old woman who has for some reason never bothered to realize she’s her own person? So she needs to sleep with a monk? For like independence or something? Also, her mom clearly needs serious medical help but Jesse’s just like “no she’s fine,” causing her mom to sever off ANOTHER finger. I was rolling my eyes, through the whole book. I don’t recommend it, unless you need reassurance that you shouldn’t cheat on your spouse…2/5 stars.

3. Carry On By Rainbow Rowell:

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I read the book this series is based off of, “Fangirl,” probably back in the year 2014. It’s a YA romance, and that’s why, even though it’s been on my shelf for awhile, I still hadn’t read Carry On. I knew it was going to be a slow burn YA and I thought I had grown out of it by now. I am here today to say…I have not…at all. I started it on a Friday and finished it 2 days later because I COULD NOT PUT IT DOWN. Rainbow Rowell has such a strong writing style when it comes to keeping you turning the pages. It is perfectly paced and the romance is definitely cheesy but not to the point, that it covers all other story lines in the book. The characters were lovable but also flawed, and representing of all groups. It is an LGBTQ+ themed book which gives it even greater merit in the current world climate. This book was just so fun. I haven’t read anything this quickly since middle school, and I was reminded of just how much I like sitting on the couch for twelve hours straight hanging out with book characters, plus it was a great palette cleanser after reading so much true crime lately. 5/5 stars.

4. Wayward Son By Rainbow Rowell:

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Good thing I didn’t read “Carry On” 4 years ago when it came out because I was able to pick up the sequel that just came out last month right when I finished the first one. I read this one in two days too. I loved this one for all the reasons that I liked the first one but also because it represented real relationships very well. Communication is hard and the fact that Rowell uses that difficulty to contribute to her story lines is entertaining and once again keeps you turning the page. I just want these boys to figure out their feelings and be happy! Hopefully it won’t take another 4 years to get a third book. 5/5 stars.

There they are! All female authors in the month of September, so that’s cool. Check back Saturday for my October TBR!

What I Read This Summer

Do I even have to apologize for disappearing anymore? It seems that at this point that you might as well just expect it, and be delightfully surprised when I decide to show back up on your feed. Anyway, unlike with my blog, I have been keeping up with my reading. This is pretty impressive for me considering I’ve been working 50 hours a week and pretty much have time for nothing. Those 50 hours of work however, are not without reward. I just moved in to a new, much nicer, much safer, apartment which I might post about later, once it looks like we actually live there. That’s not why we’re here today though. Today we are here to talk about books. I am sitting at 36 books for the year, so it looks like I will meet and hopefully surpass my yearly goal of 50 books. I’ve recently really been enjoying audio books, since one of my jobs is insanely boring, and I can get them free on an app from my library. Seriously, if you don’t use your local library you are missing out my friend. It’s a great place for poor girls like myself, and free to hang out in when you’re bored.. alright! I’ll get to the actual post now. I read 9 books this summer. Here they are ranked from the one I liked the least, to the one I liked the best.

9. Whoever Fights Monsters: My Twenty Years Tracking Serial Killers for the FBI by Robert K. Ressler: Coming in last place this summer is this non-fiction, true crime book by one of the guys that started the program featured in Netflix’s Mindhunter. (haven’t seen it? stop reading and go watch it, it’s way more entertaining than I am.) I found this book insanely interesting and I learned a lot but Ressler sounds kind of braggy when it comes to talking about crimes. Like the worse the criminal the more impressive it makes him look. It might just be because I listened to the audio book, but the whole thing comes off a little heartless. He also does not spare any details which isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it’s definitely not for the faint of heart.

8. Looker by Laura Sims: Looker was…interesting? It’s a novella so it’s really short and also a very creative idea but the whole thing just sort of fell flat for me. The ending just gave me a hollow feeling, like I had no idea why I had read so much just to reach that conclusion. Good but not a winner.

7. Witch Hat Atelier by Kamome Shirahama: This manga is wholesome but it’s also the first volume so it’s just a lot of plot set up. Maybe it’s the american in me, but the fact that the whole story revolves around little girls living with an adult man that took them from their parents just gives me the creeps.

6. My Sweet Audrina by V.C. Andrews: This was my first V.C. Andrews book and I really loved the writing as well as the mystery. The only reason it’s in the middle of the list is because I needed a trigger warning for domestic violence. I think I might like her other books more, and I probably would have liked this one more if I was properly prepared for what I was going to read.

5. Sheets by Brenna Thummler: I picked this up in the kids section, I read it in an hour in the laundromat (how fitting), and I cried…a lot. Thummler does an incredible job of putting a very adult topic into simple and honest terms. I also loved the art and the colors which always puts a graphic novel towards the top of the list.

4. Paper Girls Vol. 5 by Brian K. Vaughan: The queer romance going on between Mac and K.J. made this volume for me. I love Paper Girls but I feel like every time a new volume comes out I need to reread the whole series otherwise I’m just confused.

3. The Satanic Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey: Top 3!!!!! The Satanic Bible is so entertaining. If you don’t know anything about Laveyan satanism, it’s a lot more of a joke than one would think. The whole book is a long iteration of the phrase “fuck everyone,” which is already my life philosophy so needless to say, I loved it.

2. The Stranger Beside Me by Ann Rule: A true crime classic, and for good reason. I had never read any Ann Rule books but after this one I will be reading many more! She has the perfect balance of informative and entertaining writing and I love how much concentration she puts on the victims. She makes them stick in your brain even more than the killer which I think is really important.

1.Stay Sexy and Don’t Get Murdered by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark: Of course it’s #1! It was everything I ever wanted. I feel like the reason this book is number one on this list is summed up perfectly in this picture my boyfriend took of me when the book was delivered. If you know how bad I am at expressing strong emotions then you’ll know this reaction is not common.

And those are the books I read this summer!! I have an office corner in the new apartment so I’m hoping that will encourage me to write regularly, plus we’re heading into spooky season which always brings solid content. I’m not making any promises though, like I said earlier, you should be used to it by now.

If you want to give me more writing time please go donate to my Patreon at patreon.com/averyjamcom !

Chaos Walking Trilogy Review

Head’s up everyone! This review contains a lot of spoilers for the “Chaos Walking” trilogy! So if you want to avoid that, click off this page now!

The last time I read a series, it was adult fantasy and was also one of my all time favorite series, the “Shades Of Magic” trilogy by V.E. Schwab. I can’t even tell you what the last YA series I read was. It was probably “To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before” or something. I have read so many YA apocalypse/distopia that I hated, that I’m not even sure what made me pick up Patrick Ness’s “The Knife Of Never Letting Go” in the first place. I am however very thankful that I did.

When I read the synopsis, I was feeling pretty “meh” about this one. The first book follows “almost a man,” Todd Hewitt as he escapes his hometown on New Earth, a planet that humanity escaped to once the o.g. earth’s end was inevitable, where everyone can hear each other’s thoughts and there are no women. He runs into a girl along his way named Viola Davis who crashed in a scout spaceship from a new group of settlers from the old planet earth. They end up running together, and adventure ensues as the two escape a crazy preacher, and an army. This plot develops into what becomes a civil war in the second book, and a global war in the third. I thought it seemed like a lot, but having read Ness’s “A Monster Calls,” I was hopeful.

Out of all three I think the second book was my favorite. The addition of Viola’s perspective made for an intriguing dynamic and a break from Todd’s hick dialect. I also really enjoyed the first one. The third one I could give or take, it was still well developed and entertaining but I also thing this series would have been just as powerful as a duology. In “A Monster Calls,” I was amazed by Ness’s use of metaphor, which is also found in the “Chaos Walking” trilogy. I also was impressed by Ness’s powerful character development, practicality, and themes. The development of Todd and Viola throughout the series is a big one because they are right at that young teen age where they essentially go from being children to being adults. Todd and Viola’s growth from everything they know being wrong, is enthralling and also very accurate to real life despite being on a more severe scale. I also appreciated the attention to the fact that people should not be comfortable with killing other people! I feel like a lot of times in the dystopian genre particularly. (*cough*, “The Hunger Games,” *cough*) people are murdering people and then just not having any emotions about it at all. I don’t care if they had to do it to survive, or whatever, they should still feel some residual guilt or mental turmoil over it, ESPECIALLY when they’re not doing it of their own free will. If they don’t feel torn up after that, then they’re just a straight up sociopath (*cough*, Katniss, *cough*, Everdeen, *cough*.) But I digress.

In “Chaos Walking” almost all the characters are constantly questioning where they stand morally and I appreciate that greatly. I also appreciated the awareness Todd had of his own masculinity and the fact that he had to keep it in check. For once toxic masculinity did not ruin the party because for once a straight male character was raised by two gay men and not a total piece of shit. (I mean toxic masculinity ruined the party for every other character in the book, but still.) This brings me to another thing that I really liked about this book. I went through the first two books thinking “wow, I can’t believe that he’s never going to mention that Todd’s guardians Ben and Cillian are totally gay for each other and that’s why they were able to save Todd from the toxic masculinity of this town.” Then in the third book, HE DID. And it wasn’t a big deal. It was never a secret from anyone because they can all see each other’s thoughts, they just never mentioned it because no one in this whole society thought it was a problem, and I think that is an amazing choice on Patrick Ness’s part. The whole book is so solely focused on the divide between men and woman and our two main characters are so starkly different in their thoughts on gender from the rest of the world that it’s impossible to miss the point that is being made.

A lot of other issues with gender are brought up with the pretty much genderless race of aliens. It is made clear from very early on that they are much more united than the humans, thinking as one entity instead of individuals. Thankfully it is also seen that lack of individualism in a society can cause problems of it’s own, when half of the race is left behind in slavery. Ness really covers all his bases. Overall, this trilogy is the greatest depiction of very real societal flaws that I have ever seen in a YA book. Which is crazy, because you would think books catered to youth would want to provide some kind of thought on their world. I think a lot do, and that it just ends up buried under a pile of flaming love triangles.

In the end I gave them all 4 out of 5 stars because they did of course all still have YA aspects to them. That flaw is completely based on personal preference, and I think if I had read it back when I was 12 or 13 it would have been put on the favorites shelf. The only plot aspect I really didn’t like was the whole power of love thing Todd and Viola had. It was fine in the more adult relationships, like Ben and Cillian. Todd and Viola’s relationship however, especially in the first two books, seemed very juvenile, so I had to suspend some disbelief there. I also was left with some questions at the end of it all, like: “What about Todd’s dad?” or “What happened to the Mayor’s wife?” or “Can I have a whole spin off series about what happened to that human/alien couple from the short story at the end of book two?” Other than that I thought this series was amazing. For anyone who read the book that wants to know, my favorite character was absolutely Davey Prentiss who is being played by FUCKING NICK JONAS in the upcoming film so I cannot wait to see my sweet baby boy come to life.

I hope you all enjoyed this, kind of all over the place, review. This month is going to be pretty heavy on reviews of movies and books, so if you like these kinds of posts make sure to sign up for email notifications! Now get off the internet and go read this trilogy!

I’ll Be Gone In The Dark Review

If you remember my tbr from earlier this month, you’ll remember how excited I was to read Michelle McNamara’s book, “I’ll Be Gone In The Dark. Well I have read it and I am back now to review it for you. Let’s get started.

Okay, so before I even opened this book, I already had a huge emotional attachment to it. I had listened to multiple podcasts about the book, and I had also been following the fairly recent capture of “The Golden State Killer,” who was arrested shortly after the publication of “IBGITD” (that’s what I’m going to call it from here on out.) So like I said I had very high hopes. I usually go into my books knowing hardly anything but I went into this one with lots of prior knowledge about the crimes and also the author.

The book is split into three different sections. Part 1: information about the GSK (Golden State Killer), Part 2: Michelle’s experience working on the case, and Part 3: Information from Michelle’s research assistant who helped finish the book after McNamara’s death, an afterword from her husband, and a letter from Michelle to the GSK. This arrangement works well and despite having so many different pieces, flows with surprising ease. I love the fact that they decided not to try to recreate McNamara’s writing style to finish the book because it truly couldn’t have been done. McNamara writes with an emotion and style that is rarely found in true crime. It’s the perfect amount of detail without reading like a report. Her descriptions of California are incredible and she has just the right amount of bluntness in the sections that describe the actual killings. Billy Jensen and Paul Haynes did an incredible job piecing together her research and the parts of the book they had into a complete book of Michelle’s work.

I would not recommend this book if you are at all squeamish about murder. The GSK was a real horror show, and definitely not for the faint of heart. Any gory bits are written with tact and respect but if you are just beginning to delve into true crime, I wouldn’t start with this. It has a novel quality but is packed to the brim with information. The addition of maps, pictures, and a list of the detectives and criminologists that are present throughout the book, make the whole thing a real experience. This book took me the longest to read out of my books this month, and that was mostly because I felt I needed to absorb everything. I annotate all my books but if anyone tries to borrow this one, they might have a hard time reading the book under all my hand scribbled thoughts. I think that’s a sign that a book is good. If it takes up your whole brain.

If you haven’t guessed by now, I gave this book five out of five stars. It has been added to my list of all time favorites. I only had one grievance about the book and that is that it’s not really THE book. The whole time I read, I couldn’t stop asking myself if this was the book Michelle McNamara wanted me to read. I think it is definitely close. It was put together by people that knew her very well, but there was still so many things that she wanted to put in and unfortunately didn’t get to because of her untimely death. I wish she would have been alive to see how well it did, and see him get caught right after her book came out. I admit I teared up at the end when reading the afterword written by her late husband. In it he says she was “quietly, effortlessly, original,” and I think that shows in her writing and in her commitment to finding the GSK.

The GSK was a true monster. As Michelle states in one of my favorite lines, “the act…was arousal alchemized to hate, a vicious punishment meted out by one judge: his corroded brain.” In summary this is a book about a monster written by a hero. She helped so many victims through her work, and helped to solve one of the biggest unsolved cases in America. Although her time with us was short, she achieved more than a lot of people in this world ever will. I think this book is a treasure. It could have been lost to time, forever sitting on a dusty hard drive. I considered reading this a privilege and it is a book I will not soon forget.

If you want to see what I thought of the rest of the books I read this month, make sure to check back on Monday for my February wrap-up post!

February tbr

Books to read this month.

Hello and welcome to February. That’s right folks it just keeps going. Time. It’s crazy. Anyway this is a tbr for the the month of February. We have some more actual books this month (as opposed to graphic novels and manga) so get ready. Okay here we go.

1. The Knife Of Never Letting Go – Patrick Ness: I’ve started this one and so far I’m really enjoying it so far. I read “A Monster Calls” by Ness when I was younger and really loved it so I decided to try this series. I am usually very hesitant when it comes to series’ because they are a commitment and I am even more hesitant when it comes to YA, so this book was a risk for me and so far, I am not regretting it. It’s also supposed to come out as a movie next month so that’s some convenient timing on my part.

2. Snot Girl: California Screaming – Bryan Lee O’malley and Leslie Hung: YEA VOLUME 2! I said less Graphic Novels, but we both know I need at least one graphic novel. I love this story so much and the art is amazing. I can’t wait to find out what happens next in this series.

3. I’ll Be Gone In The Dark – Michelle McNamara: I AM SO EXCITED TO READ THIS BOOK. I have heard so much about it from My Favorite Murder and various booktubers. I plan to read this one while visiting home next week. I also plan on making this the review of the month.

4. Soppy – Phillippa Rice: Hooray! seasonal pick! I felt bad reading so many books about murder and the apocalypse this month considering it’s Valentine’s Day in fourteen days, so I threw in this little book of joy to round it out. This barely counts because there are so few words, but I’m counting it so there. Happy Valentine’s Day bitches!

5. Love Poems – Pablo Neruda: I bought this little book because it was adorable and once again, if a book is a light shade of pink then there is a 90% chance I will buy it. I like that it’s pocket sized and I also like that it has both the translated poem, and the original Spanish version, because I can’t read Spanish but I sure do like to look at it.

6. Sad Girls – Lang Leav: My last pick for the month is another victim of my weird obsession with buying books just for their covers. This serious problem means that I don’t really know what it’s about but I’m sad and a girl so I’m hopeful. I’ve heard mixed reviews so we’ll see.

Those are the books I’m reading this month! what are you reading this month??? If you have any interest in joining a book club, contact me on my Instagram @avejam_

January Wrap-Up

Hello! and welcome to my January reading wrap-up! I am proud to say that I finished all of the books on my January tbr. Thanks insomnia! Here are my final ratings and thoughts on the books I read this month.

1. Killing and Dying – Adrian Tomine: I already spoke about this one in the tbr because I had already read it and I stick with that initial review. I loved the drawings, loved the story line, my only complaint was that it was so short. I gave it 4 out of 5 stars on Goodreads.

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   2. Saga Volume 1 – Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples: I figured I was going to like this one and I definitely did. I read it in one night, so it’s definitely a quick read. The illustrations are beautiful and the story is great. The world however is built very quickly so if you like a slow burn this is not it. It is very much a “jump in and figure out the logistics later” kind of book. Once again 4 out of 5 stars.

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3. Fresh Complaint – Jeffrey Eugenides: To read my review of Fresh Complaint click here! My first 5 out of 5 stars this year.

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4. Deadman Wonderland – Jinsei Kataoka and Kazuma Kondou: I knew I would like this. In fact I loved it. Everyone always wants to bitch at me about how manga isn’t really reading, well you can shove it because this book is great and it never won’t be. I bought the second one so you have that to look forward to. 5 out of 5 stars.

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5. Not In Kansas Anymore – Christine Wicker: This book was good. It made some really thought provoking points about religion and spirituality and I especially liked the anecdotes throughout. However there were so many subject wound into one that it all felt a little convoluted. I would have rather read a shorter book on one subject than this compilation of way too many. If the book would have just been about Wicca or Hoodoo I would have loved it, but I could do without the faeries and furries. Plus the whole thing reads kind of like a 1950’s crime novel. It’s very reporter/detectiveish? (If that makes any sense.) Whatever it’s called it’s distracting and definitely took some getting used to. I gave this one my lowest rating of the year so far, 3 out of 5 stars.

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That’s 5 books done for the year! No ratings under three yet so things are looking good. I’m very excited for next month’s books, so check back friday for a new tbr! What did you read this month?

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/65373656-avery-jam

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Avery’s Favorite Murder

Since I have moved to Colorado I have spent most of my time looking for jobs and listening to old episodes of the podcast “My Favorite Murder” (full disclosure: I am listening to it as I type this.) If you haven’t heard the podcast, I highly recommend it. It’s about exactly what the title would suggest which is, the favorite murder cases and stories of comedians Georgia Hardstark and Karen Kilgariff. If you’ve heard the podcast then you know that they will do mini episodes where they read listener submitted home town murder stories. Listening to these old episodes got me thinking about the crime related things that I or my close friends and family have experienced growing up in Billings Montana. This is a compiled post of those stories. 

DISCLAIMER: This post is a fucking bummer. I’m telling you now. If you get uncomfortable about murder, just scroll down to the last story, have a good laugh at my bizarre life and then move on. Okay, on with the post.

Story #1 The Serial Rapist: When I initially asked myself the question: What is my hometown murder/crime story? a few things immediately came to mind (I’ll save the most interesting one for the end of this post). The first one took place one summer either at the end of middle school or the beginning of high school. I have mentioned my childhood friend group previously on the blog, but for those that don’t know we pretty much had free reign throughout the entire neighborhood. However, this particular summer, my mom told me and my sister that we needed to be careful and come home earlier because there was a serial rapist in Billings. Billings is a pretty sleepy town so this scale of crime was pretty unheard of. Before he had been identified and caught they were publishing articles in the newspaper about how to stay safe as a woman. This pretty much was the extent of my knowledge on the subject so I took to google. Like I said, Billings is pretty uneventful, so I found the story with a single search. The Rapist’s name was Toby Griego and in the spring of 2013 to the late summer of 2013, when he was caught he invaded the homes of, and raped 3 women, and attempted to rape a fourth. Which explains why everyone was so freaked out when it happened. He wasn’t just raping people he was stalking them, then breaking into their homes and then raping them. In the case of one victim, he had delivered a mattress to her house and then came back a week later and attacked her.  He wore gloves and pretty much covered up all evidence, so it took them awhile to catch him. He was ultimately found guilty and sentenced to 22 consecutive life terms without parole. He appealed to the Montana Supreme Court in 2014 but they agreed 5-0 that his trial was fair and he’s been in prison ever since. A job well done by the Montana court system for once.

Story #2 The Carpet Killer: In late 2017, a decapitated body was found wrapped in a carpet on a dirt trail on the west end of Billings and his head was found wrapped in a towel a few feet away. The body belonged to Myron Wesley Knight and prior to this blog post my only knowledge of the case was from driving with my friend down a quiet road when she suddenly said “hey this is where they found that headless body isn’t it?” I got the rest of the story from my dad. “He won some money at a casino. The man gave his winnings to the casino attendant and told her if anything happens to him a couple of transients were to blame. They went to the hobo camp and killed him.” he said. The two “transients” he had named, Donald Cherry and Jeffrey Haverty, had already been arrested for different things by the time the police had received the information. They both claim to have nothing to do with the murder but Cherry’s girlfriend told the police  she had came back to the camp from the gas station to find the dead body and Haverty decapitating it. What gets me the most about this case is that in the end Knight only had six dollars on him. Why would you murder someone prior to knowing how much money they had, if money was your end goal. The two men are set to appear in court later this year.

Story #3 Just a Real Tragedy: I’m going to keep this one brief because it’s just incredibly sad. A few years back in 2015 when I was in high school, a kid that I had gone to school with since 1st grade accidentally shot his friend who was throwing rocks from outside his window. He thought he was an intruder and shot his gun out the window hitting him in the head and killing him. The kid who was shot also went to our school and I remember we had a school wide assembly, and it was the only the only time everyone actually went to a school assembly. It made national news, and was ultimately ruled an accident. The whole thing was incredibly sad and awful. The kid that shot him clearly felt absolutely terrible and this case surprisingly did not change the fact that in Montana we still hand every child a gun the second they exit the womb.

Story #4 Missing Sidney Teacher: Back when I was in middle school we would always talk about current events in our history class and I remember as a class, following the case of a missing teacher from Sidney Montana. Looking back, it seems maybe they shouldn’t be discussing missing persons cases with 12 year olds and that this probably has nothing to do with my constant fear of being murdered. Anyway, they eventually found the body of Sherry Arnold, who was a math teacher for 18 years. She had been missing for nearly 3 months. She was found in North Dakota, in a shallow grave. The two men responsible for her murder were Lester Van Waters Jr. and Michael Spell, who were apparently looking for work in the oil fields and also coked out of their minds when they decided to carry out the random attack. They strangled her then purchased a shovel at Walmart to bury her with, which they later returned… and Walmart accepted that return. Waters received 80 years and Spell recieved 100 but both will be eligible for parole in the coming years.

Story #5 Jeanette Atwater Murder: When I was searching for content for this post I was texting my dad who told me about the unsolved murder of a woman found in a burning car in the 80s… Except it wasn’t the 80s it was January 16th of 2000 (there were a lot of other unsolved murders of women in the 80s though, so it’s an understandable mistake.) Jeanette Atwater was found in the trunk of her burning car, burned to the point that she had to be identified by her dental records later. She died of smoke inhalation so it was assumed she was still alive when the car was lit on fire. She had been at a bar with coworkers all night the night before and didn’t leave with anyone but couldn’t be seen leaving the bar on the security cameras, which is one of the reasons the case remains unsolved. Her 3 children were in Washington at the time with her ex husband who was extensively questioned and not considered a suspect. HOWEVER, there was a man that purchased 1 dollar of gas and a book of matches at a convenience store a couple minutes away from where she was found, just a few hours before authorities arrived at the scene. where matches were found that seemed similar to the ones in the convenience store. The store clerk was stoned or something because they had no idea what the man might look like, just that he was wearing strong cologne. They had the man on security footage but no one could ever identify him. The case is still unsolved to this day.

Story #6 Peeping Tom: I have saved this one for last because it is the only one that I am directly involved in and if you’re my friend then you have probably already heard it because I love to tell this story to anyone that will listen. It goes like this. In my parent’s house, the window of my old bedroom faced out towards the street, and it was on the first floor so anyone walking down the sidewalk could clearly see it. Our house also didn’t have any air conditioning, so I had a window fan, and only had a sheer blind over the top  half of the window. My bed was next to the window with the head in the corner of the room and the bottom against the window. My room arrangement clearly revolved around avoiding the heat and not avoiding what happened to me that summer when I was 16 (maybe 17 now that I think about it). There was a lot of gravel on that side of the house (I have no idea why) and I always thought I could hear someone walking on it at night. However, I have been incredibly paranoid and neurotic my whole life, so I brushed it off as an animal or the wind or something. UNTIL one night I was laying in bed reading, ignoring the weird gravel noises when through the fan (it was turned off that night) a voice said “Why don’t you touch yourself little girl.” Although I was 16 (or 17), I always have been quite small and look younger than I am so this voice probably assumed I was 14 or 15. For all my neurotic research on murder and the like, my first reaction was to throw my comforter over my head to hide, even though that is stupid and unproductive. I realized this after a moment and used all the courage I’ve ever held in my small heart to run out my bedroom door and wake up my parents. My dad went outside immediately with a shovel but the creep had already left, my dad did however see a door close at a house across the street and a light on inside. We called the cops and needless to say I slept on the couch for the next week. I also bought blackout curtains and never opened my window again. I would rather sleep in a puddle of sweat than being watched by a pervert. The scariest thing about the whole situation was that I had heard the gravel sounds outside before so whoever it was could have been watching me for awhile before this event and even scarier… after… but that’s a story for another day.

If you have any interest in hearing that story or any of the other cases and murders connected to Montana that I found while researching the details of these ones, like this post or let me know in a comment! Also if you have a crime/murder related story that you remember you can send it to me on social media. I would love to hear it!

Seeds: poetry collection

Overgrown

Sometimes my brain gets too crowded and my thoughts start pouring

out of my ears.

They land on my shoulders and drip down my skin to embed themselves

along my spine.

A thought pressed under my skin to sit against my vertebrae and to grow

among goosebumps.

Mushrooms crawl up my back nourished by my bone marrow.

Vines crawl over my shoulders to wrap around my ribs.

Thorns stem from my collarbones to make sure no one can get in

to the body garden grown from my thoughts.

The hair on my arms stands on end as it turns into blades of grass.

My fingers sprout dandelions

and forget-me-nots sprout from my toes.

My breasts grow bleeding hearts

and honey drips from my nose.

Bees live here now, and beetles and moths.

They crawl around my stomach lining,

up my throat,

and out my mouth.

My heart slowly turns a tulip bulb and my brain’s a clump of poison ivy.

Ring Around The Bathtub

If you ran your hands down, they would roll along small hills

Bump bump bump bump

The contours of my back bone

Weak, warped, and sharp like knives

Don’t cut yourself on my lethal body

Let the water run down the stretched translucent canvas

Blue lines painted in textured brush strokes

Paint running down the shower drain

Humanity swirling down the shower drain

Clumps of hair clogging the shower drain

Dark spiders plucked out of my skull

Leaving paste white bone showing

Through the hole in my head.

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

Beat up sneakers hit the pavement

In an uneven rhythm matching the beat

Flowing through the earbuds

That no one else can hear

Chilled wind painting a blush

Over her freckled face

Kicking rocks across the street

Sleeves pulled down over her hands

Walking into the corner gas station

Going to the very back of the store

And getting the chocolate coffee in a can

Pulls her debit card out of her pack of camels

She takes a cigarette out at the stop light

Cups her hand around her lighter

To keep it safe from the breeze

She inhales deeply

Nicotine fills her lungs

Cigarette smoke clouds her thoughts

The taste of ash sticky on her tongue

Mentally feeling her body rot

She cracks open the can of coffee

And swallows the sweet syrup

Inhaling the caffeine her body runs on

Ashing her cigarette on the ground

Caffeine and nicotine

Cigarettes and chocolate milk.

Recurring Ache

the knowing,

you’ll never be mine is the hard part.

The absolute sureness that I will never touch your naked back.

Connecting the constellations of freckles along your spine,

The knowledge that I will never hold you

or kiss your tear stained face when you cry.

I’ll never get to see the sun hit your body just right

as your laying next to me with your eyes closed.

Never get to run my fingers through your hair

until it gives me all your secrets.

The ache

that sits in my ribs for you nestled right next to my heart.

House Guest

I hate that my body has learned to accommodate pain

It walks into me and I ask it if it would like a glass of water.

I exhaust myself trying to figure out what it needs

Doing everything I can to keep it from becoming enraged and taking over again

@baby_caleb

After a full blown facebook investigation

I found your Snapchat and added you.

And you added me back

Your Facebook is depressing

You’re a real sadboi ™

See: that’s an example of the correct use of you’re and your

Which according to Facebook, you don’t understand

But you’re real cute

Even though your teeth are crooked

It’s ok mine have a gap

I want to tell you I’ll be your friend

I want to tell you I think your the most beautiful boy

I want to tell you that it could be worse.

You could be me.

In person I said

“I have annoyingly thick hair but it falls out in clumps from anxiety”

I don’t know why I said it but you said

“Me too”

I want to tell you a lot of things but instead

I just asked if you had to work today.

You haven’t opened my message yet

Satan’s Poster Child

The disgust in your voice when you say the words “cancer stick”

As if you think it can change me.

As if I didn’t already know

The concern in your eyes as you explain the importance of your god

My blank eyes staring back at you

So you can look through and see the hollow soul.

I bet they tried to tell Lucifer how to live too

Your help is judgement

Making me fall farther from your heaven

Satan’s poster child.

Heaving through hell and back

Long black nails curling around your throat

If you tell me one more time

I’m gonna die young

I already fucking know that and I wish it would happen today

So please climb up on your precious pedestal

I’m fine in fire

Sitting on my throne of cigarette cartons and bic lighters

Onyx horns protruding from my skull

Dressed in ash and lingerie

Making you all uncomfortable as I

Cry freely for no goddamn reason.

Religion

The kids behind me in the coffee shop were trying to find a bible verse to describe love and all I can think is that the bible can’t describe love. The connection between someone and an idealistic figure whom they have never met and the connection between two humans, are two very different things. As I thought about this, the conversation behind me progressed into one about mental health and how everyone who was depressed, simply needed god in there life, and this is where I start to have a problem with religion.

I was raised agnostic in a state that is predominately christian, so from a young age I was exposed to the division between those that believe in god and those that don’t. The first time I was told I was going to hell was by my classmate in first grade, and I remember going home and asking my mom if I was going to hell because I didn’t believe in god. This was the first of many incidents involving religion in my public education, including arguments with teachers over the use of religion in teaching materials and many fights with other students over whether or not there was a god. What I think is funny, is that they were always started by the people that claimed to be the good ones. The followers of this god, who are supposed to be accepting of everyone and who are committed to a guide that is supposed to be one of love and caring, not me, the Satan loving abomination of an Atheist.

I started identifying as an Atheist when I was 16 which means simply that I don’t believe there is a god. Look, I get it ok, there are a lot of people that in order to have a meaning in their life, need to feel that they are headed for something greater. I also want to mention that I have no issues with people doing good things, and living there lives with belief in a higher power. The thing I have an issue with is organized groups that use a text and fear to control a group of people into spreading something the world doesn’t need. When a religion needs to put down others beliefs and spread hate for people that aren’t like them ,that’s not religion anymore, it’s just a power trip.

I think we all know God didn’t hate the gays, or black people, or anyone that believed in anything that wasn’t him. If god was this all knowing, loving, image he’s supposed to be then he would not be susceptible to such human emotions like hate. I think a lot of people lose sight of what their religion is supposed to be. People use religion to fuel hate and hurt others and somehow still put it on people like me, who simply choose to accept an ending at the end of life.

I remember when I was young, that even though me and my sister didn’t believe in god, my mom taught us a lot about the Buddhist and Hindu religions. We learned about enlightenment and karma, and were raised on ideals of love and caring towards our fellow humans. I would even argue that my mother is a better person than any god fearing christian, because she believes in the world, and her small role of taking care of it, which I think is an ideal that gets lost among the things god did and didn’t say.