While, I have seemingly dropped off the the face of the earth this past month, I promise you my life has been anything but uneventful. My sporadic internet hiatus was unintentional and accidentally a lot longer than it should have been. My social media has been half-dead with the occasional OOTD post and a strangely active tumblr page. This isn’t a new thing for me. If I could pick one word to describe my brain to body connection it would be apathetic.
I think one of the biggest misconceptions about personality disorders, is that when your not sad, your happy. Another big one, is that when good or exciting things happen you automatically feel good or excited. These two misconceptions honestly haunt my conversations, so let me spell it out for you. A pill cannot make you happy. Pills treat symptoms, they’re not a cure.
For those that are curious; I take Effexor and Wellbutrin (both in fairly high doses). The Effexor stabilizes my mood and the Wellbutrin (supposedly) gives me more energy. Although the Effexor prevents me from having a breakdown every hour, it works on both ends of the spectrum, meaning that it’s hard for me to experience intense feelings of joy or excitement, and I think that’s what most people don’t understand. For a lot of people, that might not seem worth it, and I understand that. Sometimes the highs are good enough to help you get through the lows. Other times the lows are so overwhelming that you never even get a high. I’m fine with my pill regimen right now. For me, it is much more important to have the consistency of my mood but it’s really frustrating to have people get mad at you for not being excited enough. It’s like since I’m taking meds, I’m no longer supposed to show symptoms of my disorder, which is honestly ridiculous and also exhausting.
In the last month my life has had some drastic changes, and while I think change is good and necessary it also means that my brain has kind of been on autopilot for weeks. I wake up and do the things I need to do and then sit on my phone or go back to bed. The constant fear of having something happen, that could divert me from important tasks, such as a depressive episode, is greater than the fomo of daily social life. And this is why, I haven’t posted in a month or two.
I realize this post is one big, tangled excuse for why my mental illness is keeping me from doing things. I also realize that this whole post is counterproductive to the point of blogging which is to help move forward despite my mental illness. But I’m self-aware ok? And sometimes that just has to be enough for everyone. I’m a large pile of vomit as far as my brain is concerned. But the first step to cleaning up a large pile of vomit, is to realize there’s a large pile of vomit there in the first place.
Almost 20 years I’ve been on this planet and I’m still sitting by idiots in coffee shops, that are trying to explain why the earth is flat. It’s definitely round. Just so we’re all clear on that. Last year for my birthday I wrote a poem about being 19 so, because I am feeling less creative this year but still wanted to make it a yearly thing, here is a list of 20 things I learned in the past decade.
- The earth is flat. JUST KIDDING. But if people believe that they’re not going to change they’re minds so don’t even bother trying to explain it.
- That goes for most things that people believe.
- Don’t punch cars. You won’t win, the car will.
- If you’re trying to decide between getting coffee or getting to school on time, always pick getting coffee.
- School is hard once it’s not required.
- The best way to make friends is to message them and hang out with them until they just eventually adapt to your annoying presence.
- You can’t tell your car is making a weird noise if you turn your music up louder.
- Time goes by very slowly and very quickly at the same time.
- People leave but they also usually get replaced by new people.
- I don’t know it all. Just most of it.
- People can make you feel like shit to the point where eventually you just are shit.
- Ice cream fixes most things, except your triglyceride levels.
- If someone hits you, always hit back
- Boys are actually stupid. No joke.
- Love is an even worse disease than life.
- Music helps always.
- Healing is never linear.
- Pain is never permanent.
- Pretending to be something you’re not is exhausting and hardly ever worth it. Unless it’s Halloween or something I guess.
- The only person responsible for your pain and healing is you.
While I can’t say I’m looking forward to the next decade, I can say I’m willing to live it. I can also say that I am thankful for the stuff the past ten years has brought me. From a “gap toothed” 10 year old to a “gap toothed because she broke her retainer shortly after getting her braces off” adult, I’m a completely different person with a completely different perspective on life. I’m sure that when I turn 30 I’ll say the exact same thing because I think that all life really is, is learning and moving on.
My theme words for the past few months have been “Get Over It.” I even put them on the newest update of my vision board. I like this mantra because sometimes in life you just have to move on from things regardless of whether or not you’re ready. Here’s a playlist and my favorite lyrics for moving on from the things and people life did or didn’t give you.
- Darling Don’t – Silver : “Darling don’t pull me back into your gravity.”
- Ready Yet – Sasha Sloan : “I just want to be your friend again but there’s some shit I can’t forget, I don’t think I’m ready yet.”
- Howl – Declan McKenna : “I don’t care for attention that much.”
- Pepsi / Coke Suicide – Elvis Depressely : “Truest love, void on fire, you have haunted my desire.”
- Hurt – Sasha Sloan : “I probably shouldn’t sleep over, ’cause I know that I’m making it worse.
- Life Time Warranty – Cyberbully Mom Club : “I regret to inform you that I am not the girl you knew.”
- Empty – Kevin Abstract : “I love my mom, I hate my boyfriend.”
- Dreams – Wet : “Some days just aren’t good for anything at all.”
- SAD! – XXXTENTACION : “Who am I? Someone that’s afraid to let go.”
- Be Careful – Cardi B : “Poured out my whole heart to a piece of shit.”
- Softens – Wet : “And you’ll need it most in the dark in the dead of the night.”
- Thank Your God – The Forestry : “So I’ll change my hair and get a tattoo, to remind myself I’m forgetting you.”
- Congratulations – MGMT : “I’d rather dissolve than have you ignore me.”
- Better – Mallrat : “At the time it was alright, but looking back I hurt my eyes.”
- It’s hard to get around the wind – Alex Turner : “And you can shriek until you’re hollow, or whisper it the other way.”
- “Sober – Childish Gambino : “And now that it’s over I’ll never be sober.”
- Up Up & Away – Kid Cudi : “They gon’ judge me anyway so whatever.”
- Mad Sounds – Arctic Monkeys : “Make you feel all right. They bring you back to life.”
- Same Drugs – Chance The Rapper : “Just remember happy thoughts.”
- Habits – Tove Lo : “Your gone and I gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind.”
- 1998 – Chet Faker : “Is it absurd for me to hurt?”
- Call Out My Name – The Weeknd : “I almost cut a piece of myself for your life.”
- Helena Beat – Foster The People : “Yea Yea and it’s ok.”
- 17 – Youth Lagoon – “My mother said to me, don’t stop imagining. The day that you do is the day that you die.”
- Feeling Ok – Best Coast : “When I get down, I get so down, but I’ll keep trying to stay this way.”
This playlist can also be found on my Spotify which can be found on the other links page.