A Really Big Excuse

While, I have seemingly dropped off the the face of the earth this past month, I promise you my life has been anything but uneventful. My sporadic internet hiatus was unintentional and accidentally a lot longer than it should have been. My social media has been half-dead with the occasional OOTD post and a strangely active tumblr page. This isn’t a new thing for me. If I could pick one word to describe my brain to body connection it would be apathetic.

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about personality disorders, is that when your not sad, your happy. Another big one, is that when good or exciting things happen you automatically feel good or excited. These two misconceptions honestly haunt my conversations, so let me spell it out for you. A pill cannot make you happy. Pills treat symptoms, they’re not a cure.

For those that are curious; I take Effexor and Wellbutrin (both in fairly high doses). The Effexor stabilizes my mood and the Wellbutrin (supposedly) gives me more energy. Although the Effexor prevents me from having a breakdown every hour, it works on both ends of the spectrum, meaning that it’s hard for me to experience intense feelings of joy or excitement, and I think that’s what most people don’t understand. For a lot of people, that might not seem worth it, and I understand that. Sometimes the highs are good enough to help you get through the lows. Other times the lows are so overwhelming that you never even get a high. I’m fine with my pill regimen right now. For me, it is much more important to have the consistency of my mood but it’s really frustrating to have people get mad at you for not being excited enough. It’s like since I’m taking meds, I’m no longer supposed to show symptoms of my disorder, which is honestly ridiculous and also exhausting.

In the last month my life has had some drastic changes, and while I think change is good and necessary it also means that my brain has kind of been on autopilot for weeks. I wake up and do the things I need to do and then sit on my phone or go back to bed. The constant fear of having something happen, that could divert me from important tasks, such as a depressive episode, is greater than the fomo of daily social life. And this is why, I haven’t posted in a month or two.

I realize this post is one big, tangled excuse for why my mental illness is keeping me from doing things. I also realize that this whole post is counterproductive to the point of blogging which is to help move forward despite my mental illness. But I’m self-aware ok? And sometimes that just has to be enough for everyone. I’m a large pile of vomit as far as my brain is concerned. But the first step to cleaning up a large pile of vomit, is to realize there’s a large pile of vomit there in the first place.

Art Journaling

Personal, Writing

Disclaimer: Not all of the art in my journals is my original work. Some were recreated from images I found online. I in no way take creative credit for these drawings and give it fully to the creator of the original work.

I have been keeping journals and sketchbooks for as long as I can remember but it wasn’t until fairly recently that I began to completely finish them. When we were younger my mom showed me sister and me how to make collage journals and a few years later, I elaborated on that idea by starting my first art journal. It was red, with thin blank pages, and I found it up in my mom’s art stuff. It had french writing down the side that meant draft book and with the addition of a couple stickers, it was incorporated into my daily life. All though I consider it the first journal I finished it is in fact blank for the last ten pages because the binding broke from overuse. Since this journal that began in 2015, I have completed two others and am in the middle of my fourth.

from left to right: oldest to newest

Everyone is always impressed by how full they are and I attribute that to the fact that I don’t give myself a lot of limits with them. Except one which is that I’m never allowed to rip pages out. If there are pages I absolutely hate, then I cover them up with scrap paper drawings when the journal is complete. Other than that I keep my journals completely free. Sometimes other people draw in them, I write lists in them, and I doodle in them when I am on important phone calls. Besides my work notebook and my planner, my art journal is the only journal I have so it literally holds everything.

2015-2016

from first journal

I think that once I let go of the need for my journals to be chronological and aesthetically pleasing, I was able to fill them, and usually by the time they were done I was pretty pleased with the final result. It’s nice to just have something that has no limits. Something that can hold all of my bullshit in one small place.

late 2016-2017

I also became a lot more comfortable with expressing my feelings and more confident in my drawing skills. Art journaling was one of the main ways I combated my social anxiety in high school.

Turning 20

Personal, Writing

Almost 20 years I’ve been on this planet and I’m still sitting by idiots in coffee shops, that are trying to explain why the earth is flat. It’s definitely round. Just so we’re all clear on that. Last year for my birthday I wrote a poem about being 19 so, because I am feeling less creative this year but still wanted to make it a yearly thing, here is a list of 20 things I learned in the past decade.

The earth is flat. JUST KIDDING. But if people believe that they’re not going to change they’re minds so don’t even bother trying to explain it.
That goes for most things that people believe.
Don’t punch cars. You won’t win, the car will.
If you’re trying to decide between getting coffee or getting to school on time, always pick getting coffee.
School is hard once it’s not required.
The best way to make friends is to message them and hang out with them until they just eventually adapt to your annoying presence.
You can’t tell your car is making a weird noise if you turn your music up louder.
Time goes by very slowly and very quickly at the same time.
People leave but they also usually get replaced by new people.
I don’t know it all. Just most of it.
People can make you feel like shit to the point where eventually you just are shit.
Ice cream fixes most things, except your triglyceride levels.
If someone hits you, always hit back
Boys are actually stupid. No joke.
Love is an even worse disease than life.
Music helps always.
Healing is never linear.
Pain is never permanent.
Pretending to be something you’re not is exhausting and hardly ever worth it. Unless it’s Halloween or something I guess.
The only person responsible for your pain and healing is you.

While I can’t say I’m looking forward to the next decade, I can say I’m willing to live it. I can also say that I am thankful for the stuff the past ten years has brought me. From a “gap toothed” 10 year old to a “gap toothed because she broke her retainer shortly after getting her braces off” adult, I’m a completely different person with a completely different perspective on life. I’m sure that when I turn 30 I’ll say the exact same thing because I think that all life really is, is learning and moving on.

Playlist: Getting Over It

playlists, Writing

My theme words for the past few months have been “Get Over It.” I even put them on the newest update of my vision board. I like this mantra because sometimes in life you just have to move on from things regardless of whether or not you’re ready. Here’s a playlist and my favorite lyrics for moving on from the things and people life did or didn’t give you.

Darling Don’t – Silver : “Darling don’t pull me back into your gravity.”
Ready Yet – Sasha Sloan : “I just want to be your friend again but there’s some shit I can’t forget, I don’t think I’m ready yet.”
Howl – Declan McKenna : “I don’t care for attention that much.”
Pepsi / Coke Suicide – Elvis Depressely : “Truest love, void on fire, you have haunted my desire.”
Hurt – Sasha Sloan : “I probably shouldn’t sleep over, ’cause I know that I’m making it worse.
Life Time Warranty – Cyberbully Mom Club : “I regret to inform you that I am not the girl you knew.”
Empty – Kevin Abstract : “I love my mom, I hate my boyfriend.”
Dreams – Wet : “Some days just aren’t good for anything at all.”
SAD! – XXXTENTACION : “Who am I? Someone that’s afraid to let go.”
Be Careful – Cardi B : “Poured out my whole heart to a piece of shit.”
Softens – Wet : “And you’ll need it most in the dark in the dead of the night.”
Thank Your God – The Forestry : “So I’ll change my hair and get a tattoo, to remind myself I’m forgetting you.”
Congratulations – MGMT : “I’d rather dissolve than have you ignore me.”
Better – Mallrat : “At the time it was alright, but looking back I hurt my eyes.”
It’s hard to get around the wind – Alex Turner : “And you can shriek until you’re hollow, or whisper it the other way.”
“Sober – Childish Gambino : “And now that it’s over I’ll never be sober.”
Up Up & Away – Kid Cudi : “They gon’ judge me anyway so whatever.”
Mad Sounds – Arctic Monkeys : “Make you feel all right. They bring you back to life.”
Same Drugs – Chance The Rapper : “Just remember happy thoughts.”
Habits – Tove Lo : “Your gone and I gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind.”
1998 – Chet Faker : “Is it absurd for me to hurt?”
Call Out My Name – The Weeknd : “I almost cut a piece of myself for your life.”
Helena Beat – Foster The People : “Yea Yea and it’s ok.”
17 – Youth Lagoon – “My mother said to me, don’t stop imagining. The day that you do is the day that you die.”
Feeling Ok – Best Coast : “When I get down, I get so down, but I’ll keep trying to stay this way.”

This playlist can also be found on my Spotify which can be found on the other links page.

My Go-To Coffee Orders (at every place in Billings)

Non-fiction, Writing

I’m a coffee person. I went from being a person who drank absolutely no caffeine, to being a person who needs it to survive, over the course of about a year. Naturally, with Billings, Montana being the small town that it is, I have had the opportunity to try many a latte from the few coffee places available. I always find other people’s coffee orders interesting so I had the idea to write about mine for my blog. This idea developed into a full fledged quest for coffee throughout the city. Resulting in 12 coffees, 2 teas, 2 wraps, 1 fritatta, 1 Italian soda, and 3 caffeine crash naps. This is a blog post about that quest.

I would like to start with explaining that this blog post excludes 2 coffee shops that are in Billings due to opposing political beliefs, and my long standing refusal to fund businesses that project hate towards others. With that said it’s time to meet…

From left to right: Skyler, Maisy, and myself

“The Coffee Crusaders” (Trademark Maisy Jam 2018). I enlisted my sister Maisy (@maisyxjam on Insta) and our honorary sister Skyler (@frances_brauneis on Insta) to join in on my caffeine hijinks. With our team assembled, we were off to the ever-changing, but somehow always a staple…

MAZEVO COFFEE:

The name has changed like 3 times now but Mazevo is probably the most popular of Billings’ local coffee shops. They have really excellent seasonal specials as well as a good bagel selection. My go-to order here is the Graham Cracker Latte. This is also where we acquired the Italian soda: ordered by Skyler who then decided she didn’t want it, so I drank it instead. Maisy drank most of the latte.

Mazevo Graham Cracker Latte

STARBUCKS:

I probably go to Starbucks the most, simply because I’m a fan of the drive thru. I actually have a couple staples here but usually I go with a coffee frappuccino. Maisy got a green tea here as well.

Coffee Frappuccino

MOUNTAIN MUDD:

Another longstanding Billings fave; Mountain Mudd is a kiosk only coffee shop. They have a really yummy white chocolate latte but they are also VERY expensive. Maybe because they add sprinkles?

The less aesthetically pleasing, White Chocolate Latte

CITY BREW:

Unpopular Montana opinion here, but I don’t love City Brew’s coffee so I always get strawberry smoothies here. They taste like Candy. Maisy and I also got hungry at this point and got some City Brew wraps as well.

Smoothie and Sun-dried Tomato Wrap.

ROCK CREEK COFFEE:

Our first Downtown location, Rock Creek has been around since I was a baby. Their menu intimidates me so I always just get a vanilla latte. This vanilla latte in particular was made by a guy I matched with on Tinder awhile ago and never messaged. It was delicious. Good job Tinder boy.

Maisy demonstrates how to put the straw in if the coffee is too full.

EBON COFFEE:

Ebon is the only coffee shop that has peppermint lattes on their menu year round and for that I love them. Also they have really good waffles on the weekend as well as an A+ interior decorator.

Outside Ebon

Inside Ebon

ANNEX COFFEE:

This is actually my favorite coffee shop to work in and also our scheduled last stop. I always get the lavender rosemary latte here which is amazing. Skyler got a fritatta here and we also took a small break since Maisy was near caffeine overdose level.

lavender rosemary latte

BLACK DOG COFFEE:

I’d never been here before today but it’s one of Maisy’s favorites so we decided to add it to the list. At this point in the day there was no way I could drink another coffee so I got a juicebox but I will definitely be going back to try their coffee. I also couldn’t not get doughnuts on National Doughnut Day so I got some powdered sugar ones that I could have eaten a million of. Skyler got a muffin and Maisy got another tea and an everything bagel “To soak up the coffee” in her stomach.

This concluded our coffee adventure and we all promptly went home to take naps (except me who has to post this blog post). Let me know what your favorite kind of coffee is and also let me know if there’s anything else we should try out around the city. Thanks for reading this week and I’ll see you on Monday! (and before anyone asks…yes we did all have to poop afterwards.)

-A

Seeds: poetry collection

poetry, Writing

Overgrown

Sometimes my brain gets too crowded and my thoughts start pouring

out of my ears.

They land on my shoulders and drip down my skin to embed themselves

along my spine.

A thought pressed under my skin to sit against my vertebrae and to grow

among goosebumps.

Mushrooms crawl up my back nourished by my bone marrow.

Vines crawl over my shoulders to wrap around my ribs.

Thorns stem from my collarbones to make sure no one can get in

to the body garden grown from my thoughts.

The hair on my arms stands on end as it turns into blades of grass.

My fingers sprout dandelions

and forget-me-nots sprout from my toes.

My breasts grow bleeding hearts

and honey drips from my nose.

Bees live here now, and beetles and moths.

They crawl around my stomach lining,

up my throat,

and out my mouth.

My heart slowly turns a tulip bulb and my brain’s a clump of poison ivy.

Ring Around The Bathtub

If you ran your hands down, they would roll along small hills

Bump bump bump bump

The contours of my back bone

Weak, warped, and sharp like knives

Don’t cut yourself on my lethal body

Let the water run down the stretched translucent canvas

Blue lines painted in textured brush strokes

Paint running down the shower drain

Humanity swirling down the shower drain

Clumps of hair clogging the shower drain

Dark spiders plucked out of my skull

Leaving paste white bone showing

Through the hole in my head.

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

Beat up sneakers hit the pavement

In an uneven rhythm matching the beat

Flowing through the earbuds

That no one else can hear

Chilled wind painting a blush

Over her freckled face

Kicking rocks across the street

Sleeves pulled down over her hands

Walking into the corner gas station

Going to the very back of the store

And getting the chocolate coffee in a can

Pulls her debit card out of her pack of camels

She takes a cigarette out at the stop light

Cups her hand around her lighter

To keep it safe from the breeze

She inhales deeply

Nicotine fills her lungs

Cigarette smoke clouds her thoughts

The taste of ash sticky on her tongue

Mentally feeling her body rot

She cracks open the can of coffee

And swallows the sweet syrup

Inhaling the caffeine her body runs on

Ashing her cigarette on the ground

Caffeine and nicotine

Cigarettes and chocolate milk.

Recurring Ache

the knowing,

you’ll never be mine is the hard part.

The absolute sureness that I will never touch your naked back.

Connecting the constellations of freckles along your spine,

The knowledge that I will never hold you

or kiss your tear stained face when you cry.

I’ll never get to see the sun hit your body just right

as your laying next to me with your eyes closed.

Never get to run my fingers through your hair

until it gives me all your secrets.

The ache

that sits in my ribs for you nestled right next to my heart.

House Guest

I hate that my body has learned to accommodate pain

It walks into me and I ask it if it would like a glass of water.

I exhaust myself trying to figure out what it needs

Doing everything I can to keep it from becoming enraged and taking over again

@baby_caleb

After a full blown facebook investigation

I found your Snapchat and added you.

And you added me back

Your Facebook is depressing

You’re a real sadboi ™

See: that’s an example of the correct use of you’re and your

Which according to Facebook, you don’t understand

But you’re real cute

Even though your teeth are crooked

It’s ok mine have a gap

I want to tell you I’ll be your friend

I want to tell you I think your the most beautiful boy

I want to tell you that it could be worse.

You could be me.

In person I said

“I have annoyingly thick hair but it falls out in clumps from anxiety”

I don’t know why I said it but you said

“Me too”

I want to tell you a lot of things but instead

I just asked if you had to work today.

You haven’t opened my message yet

Satan’s Poster Child

The disgust in your voice when you say the words “cancer stick”

As if you think it can change me.

As if I didn’t already know

The concern in your eyes as you explain the importance of your god

My blank eyes staring back at you

So you can look through and see the hollow soul.

I bet they tried to tell Lucifer how to live too

Your help is judgement

Making me fall farther from your heaven

Satan’s poster child.

Heaving through hell and back

Long black nails curling around your throat

If you tell me one more time

I’m gonna die young

I already fucking know that and I wish it would happen today

So please climb up on your precious pedestal

I’m fine in fire

Sitting on my throne of cigarette cartons and bic lighters

Onyx horns protruding from my skull

Dressed in ash and lingerie

Making you all uncomfortable as I

Cry freely for no goddamn reason.

Gemini Season

Writing

Hello all, and welcome back to averyjam.com, where I have once again returned after lying to you all about posting more. This blog is like your shit dad; full of false promises. Today however, I return filled with ideas and energy. Why? Because it’s Gemini season bitches.

For those of you who aren’t amateur astrologists like myself, Gemini Season is the period of time between May 21st and June 21st when every Gemini was born. While the rest of the astrological signs are probably gasping in horror at the rise of probably the most unstable sign, as a June 10th Gemini I am excited to see what the coming month holds.

Geminis get a bad wrap. We’re the most hated sign for reasons we don’t even know. Words that are often used to characterize Gemini’s are extroverted, two faced, sharp, and flighty. I think these words describe a very specific type of Gemini. Most of us are not talkative mega bitches.

I for one, am a very introverted Gemini. Just because I get along well with people doesn’t mean I like to be around people. I just find it very easy to cater my personality to others and make connections quickly. Beyond that, I’m very isolated and don’t really seek out human interaction. I don’t get along well with Pisces (with the exception of one) and I tend to have issues with Aries too. I get along really well with Capricorns and Scorpios and most other signs I’m pretty neutral with. I don’t personally think i’m a two-faced bitch, I think I’m just a multi-faceted bitch, and don’t even get me started on the irony of being a Gemini with Bipolar.

Anyway, in the name of the season, I thought it would be fun to give you all a little horoscope for the month: (Disclaimer: These are based entirely on people I know and not actually based on any real astrology at all, so take them lightly. Actually maybe just take all astrology pretty lightly.)

Avery’s Horrorscopes:

Aries: You’re planning on making some big moves this month. Tread carefully because you tend to fuck things up and this time it’s important that you don’t.

Taurus: You’re super boring. Please go find some Gemini’s and actually do some stuff this month.

Gemini: It’s our month! take time to bond with other Gemini’s and also reach out to people who may need a friend. Unless you’re Donald Trump…If you’re Trump then this month consider resigning from office.

Cancer: I don’t know any Cancers so I guess keep doing what you’re doing?

Leo: You have been really brave this past month. Take a break to relax and breathe this month.

Virgo: Stop crying. seriously.

Libra: We get that sometimes you can’t help out, It’s okay to not do everything.

Scorpio: You’re about to reach a huge milestone. Don’t let it slow you down and keep up the momentum

Sagittarius: Bring your new cat to Billings. Specifically to my house in Billings..

Capricorn: It might be difficult to adjust back into daily life. Keep looking forward to new goals.

Aquarius: go befriend some Gemini’s. This is the one month we probably won’t fuck it up.

Pisces: Stop being a dick. Alternatively: you’re great. never change.

and now for my favorite zodiac meme:

Thanks for reading! see you Wednesday!

-Avery

The Ice That Cracks In Your Lungs

Personal, poetry, Writing

So this is the first compilation of poetry that I wrote for second semester. I hope you enjoy!

Winter

I’m feeling a lot.

The icy numbness melting.

This is almost worse.

Which way would hurt less?

Feeling no pain or all of it?

Mermaid

Stuck underwater.

Voices of those above speak,

Muffled without pain.

Why can’t anyone care when

I can’t ever seem to stop.

She go lost somewhere

Now she only floats around,

Faking who she was.

Poem for a Yandere

Standing there across the yard,

A girl with a knife in her hands.

Slowly stepping closer,

This girl holds your life in her hands.

Imagining sticky red blood flowing out,

Veins pouring into her hands.

Seeing pain mirrored in her eyes,

Memories of you holding her hands.

Coming to hurt you like you hurt her,

Heart barely beating in her hands.

It’s too bad you didn’t think to call,

Her phone sitting silently in her hands.

It’s too bad no one will help you now

Today you die by my hands.
Ouch.

That’s my heart lying on the floor.

A limp organ pulsing unsteadily

Dripping in a puddle of my blood.

Sticky and

Dirty and

Oh so alone.

That’s my empty chest cavity.

A hole gorged where that heart was

My ribcage

Cracked and

Bruised and

Hurting to breathe.

Pick it up.

Force that ugly thing back in your chest

Choke through the pain in your lungs

But I can’t and

It wont fit and

This hole is too big to be filled.

Who’s gruesome heart is that.

Filled with swollen veins.

How’d it get so torn up and cold.

The scars and

The aches and

My heart still lying on the floor.
Have Fun Throwing Your Petty Little Fucking Fit Avery

New Message: sorry the only thing

You have to deal with is

Mental illness. I’m sorry

Too, that I can’t function

Like a normal human but

Believe me when I say that

I wish I could take care of that

Baby that you leave alone instead

Of taking care of the crying child

That is my mind. Give me something

I can control. New message:

take your fake ass shit somewhere

else everyone sees through it anyways.

I wish I was faking, so I could feel

The pain your words are

Supposed to inflict but I don’t

And I won’t so

I hope you like being alone because

I do. It has become my home.
Vacation Pt. 1

It was raining

The rain dripping down the car window

Like the rain dripping down my cheeks

Mom staring with worry

Bright red emergency, and my hand being held

Like a small child who might wander

Sat in a chair as they pulled up sweater sleeves

sticking to severed skin with dried blood

Nurses eyes filled with pity

Led to a room and placed in a bed

Removed of clothing and belongings

Fragile, pale, staring at the ceiling

Hours passing

Eyes dry up and gasps grow silent

My brain feeling like it has melted

Green-blue scrubs on a shivering body.

Down the hall

Someone is crying in pain

The world continues around

But time stood still in my tiny room

Two in the morning

How are you feeling?

mom sits in the corner crying

I explain the feelings in the brain that turned against me

More waiting

Picking at scabs forming in long clean lines

It starts to rain again when I hear what I already knew for the past 5 years

We recommend you be committed.

Note From The Devil, My Lover

Dear you’re my human sacrifice

A gift to those in pain

Your sad solemn words that entice

Umbrellas protecting those in the rain.

Nothing you ever write is nice

Because you do it to sustain

To fight against the constant malice

That I stuck inside your brain.

How did it feel when you started to slice

When you pierced those precious veins

The blood that dripped from that vice

It left a very large stain.

Dear you’re my human sacrifice

Heart dark and deep and maimed

Happiness will never suffice

Because I made you to be insane.

Vacation Pt. 2

Eyes blurry, ears ringing

We’ll give you a minute to get ready

No phones allowed. your mom can bring more clothes the next day.

Here’s phone numbers and your socks, I promise you’ll be ok

Are you ready

You have to go in a wheelchair. Why? Because you’re sick.

Eyes filled with pity staring sadly at me

Skin becomes itchy. Ok I guess I’m ready

Through winding hallways

The nurse and the security guard talk about who didn’t come to work that day

Their lives so normal, and mine so crushed

Eyes glazed over but out of tears to cry

Nurse said I like your socks

My socks said bitches get stuff done

I didn’t get stuff done

If I had I wouldn’t be in this elevator

Finally sat in a dimly lit room

3 a.m. with rules set out in front of me

Paper titled “Your Fall Prevention Plan”

Too late for that, I’ve already hit the ground.

Holy Heck She Lives: Florida and Future Content

Personal, Travels

So I want to start by saying that it’s only been two months since I last posted which in comparison to some of my other hiatuses is not that long. However, after a spike of followers and a comment made by my Grandpa about how I should start posting again, I decided I should probably write this.

If you’re new here, welcome. please don’t leave, I promise to be better. I tell this to almost everyone in my life and it’s almost never true so do with that information what you will.

Over Easter, I took a trip to visit my grandparent’s in Florida where the weather was amazing and I didn’t have to go to work or school. Now I’m back in Montana, where I have to do all those things and it’s also snowing…in April. What the actual fuck Montana.

Here are some highlight’s from the trip:

On the plane

By the pool

Maisy and I take a Gucci selfie

My mum

I ate ice cream obviously

I don’t know why I needed a pic of this but now you have one too

The Naples Pier

Me trying to find a shark

The shark free beach

My mom, my sister, and I on Easter

Brunch at the club

Sisters go dino hunting

Serene lily pads

Some pins I got

Found one!

last breakfast

plane ride home

In case you hadn’t noticed yet, I dyed my hair blonde.

Now that I’m back in Billings, it’s back to the daily grind of college which I actually haven’t attended in a few days because I feel empty and like lying in bed all day. (Wow Avery, you haven’t changed a bit.) I have decided that with the end of the school year coming up I will be posting every Monday, Friday, and Sunday and I have put it in writing here so you all can yell at me when I inevitably don’t post.

Some content I have on my to-do list includes:

A new coffee convo
College with depression
Books I’ve read so far this year
journal flip-through
2nd semester poetry compilation

I love feedback so let me know what you would like to see next on the blog and also since their are so many new subscribers tell me something about yourself in the comments! Thank you for reading and I’ll see you on Monday!

Watering Dead Plants

Fiction, Writing

A Play By: Avery Jam

[The scene begins in a kitchen. JACK sits in a chair at the kitchen table reading a book and LIZA stands at the counter facing the audience carefully picking the dead leaves off some obviously dead plants.]

LIZA: Hey Jack?

JACK: Hm?

LIZA: I want you to stop calling me stupid.

[silence]

JACK: You know Liza, those plants are dead.

LIZA: No, they’re not they just need to be cleaned up a little.

[silence]

LIZA: So…could you stop calling me stupid?

JACK: Why do you care?

LIZA: Because I don’t like the way it sounds and it makes me feel inferior. Plus it’s not like I’m stupid, I graduated with honors.

JACK: It’s not like I call you stupid in front of people.

LIZA: Yea but I’m not stupid…and also you do.

JACK: Liz, I call everything stupid. It’s a word. It doesn’t mean anything.

LIZA: Ok, but it means something to me.

JACK: Then stop letting it. I’m not going to change the way I talk because it makes you uncomfortable.

LIZA: [becoming more agitated] Is it that hard to change one word?

JACK: Is it that hard to stop letting one word affect you?

[silence. LIZA begins to water the dead plants with a small watering can.]

LIZA: What about bitch?

JACK: What about it?

LIZA: Could you stop calling me a bitch?

JACK: I call everyone a bitch.

LIZA: You don’t call your mom a bitch because you love and respect her. Do you not love and respect me?

JACK: You know that’s different.

[LIZA turns to JACK who is now disinterestedly looking at his phone]

LIZA: How?

JACK: We’ve been together for three years so you shouldn’t take it personally. Why are you asking me this? Why do you want to change me so bad?

LIZA: I just wish you were a little nicer to me. Especially in front of other people.

JACK: [Beginning to get fed up] The only reason you think I’m mean is because you take everything personally. That’s not my fault, it’s yours.

LIZA: Ok, but-

JACK: And the only reason people think I’m mean to you is because you tell them I am. I should be the one telling you to stop saying things.

[LIZA turns back to her plants and looks down at her hands before going back to caring for the plants.]

JACK: Liz there’s no point in watering them.

[silence as JACK looks at LIZA and then back down to his phone.]

LIZA: Do you remember… when you were coming off the pills and you thought I was hiding something from you so you put me in a chokehold and pushed me on the ground?

JACK: Liza why the fuck are you bringing that up?

LIZA: I don’t know.

JACK: Also it was hardly a chokehold. I put my arm around your neck and sat with you on the floor. It’s not my fault you’re so weak.

LIZA: It was a chokehold. It hurt.

JACK: No. It wasn’t. You always make me the bad guy and are telling me that I hurt you but you’re the one always exaggerating.

LIZA: I was just thinking…you never apologized for it.

JACK: sorry that you are weaker than me and I was struggling with drug withdrawal

LIZA: That’s not what I meant.

JACK: [Yelling] Well then what the fuck do you want from me Liza?

LIZA: Nothing…nevermind.

[silence. LIZA goes back to watering the plants]

JACK: Liza just give up on the fucking plants already. You’re stupid to keep trying to grow them.

LIZA: [Suddenly throws one of the dead plant pots on the floor.]

JACK: [Yelling] What the fuck was that for?!

LIZA: [Also yelling] You’re so mean to me! I know you are, no matter how many times you say you aren’t I know you are! You shouldn’t want to call your girlfriend stupid or a bitch!

JACK: [remains silent looking at LIZA]

LIZA: Go on tell me how it’s all my fault and how I need to stop being so irrational. If you loved me you would do anything not to hurt me. But all you do is hurt me and you never apologize and I’m fucking tired of it Jack!

JACK: What is wrong with you?

LIZA: Nothing is wrong with me. I am allowed to be angry. My therapist says I’m allowed to be angry.

JACK: This isn’t angry. This is fucking crazy. You’re crazy. Are you taking your pills? Are you trying to accuse me of abusing you? Do you know how serious that is? I can’t even believe you would consider that!

LIZA: Jack no I-

JACK: Compared to other women you have it so good. I would never punch you in the face or anything.

LIZA: but-

JACK: [putting on his coat to leave] Just stop Liza you’ve said enough. I understand how you feel.

LIZA: Jack please don’t leave I didn’t know what I was saying. Please don’t leave again.

JACK: I’m going to hang out with some coworkers.

LIZA: Don’t leave. I don’t like it when you leave angry. It makes me feel like you won’t come back.

JACK: Maybe one day I won’t. I’m not attached to you Liza. There are a million girls like you.

LIZA: Why do you stay with me then?

JACK: Because girls are a chore Liza. Getting a new girlfriend would be too much work.

LIZA: Oh. ok.

JACK: I’ll be back later. Pick this mess up while I’m gone [JACK gestures to the broken pot]. And please calm down.

[LIZA looks down at the floor and slowly nods]

JACK: Oh and Liza?

LIZA: yea?

JACK: There’s no point in watering dead plants. They’re never going to grow.

[JACK walks offstage as LIZA sinks to the floor picking up a leaf or flower from the floor.]

LIZA: No point in taking care of you…you’re never going to grow…

[LIZA sets the piece down]

LIZA: Dead things can’t grow. I can’t grow.

[LIZA places her head in her hands as the lights fade to black.]